Now available over the counter!
With 500 mg of Scrooginium Minimiozide (an Ennui Enzyme Inhibitor) and 75 mg of FamililusDriveMeNutzolezene (a Holiday Agony Suppressant/Seasonal Frustration Inhibitor), Festivex® will keep you running like Rudolph even in your Scroogiest of holiday down-times.
Important Safety Information
You should not take Festivex® if you have certain problems with your esophagus (the tube that connects your mouth and stomach), can sit or stand your family for at least 60 minutes, have low blood pressure due to a lack of empathy, have severe attitude problems, experience seizures due to blinking holiday lights or break out in hives at the smell of evergreen.
Festivex® can cause serious side effects including problems with the esophagus (your food chute to your tummy); gluttony; trouble sleeping; disorders we made up; color blindness; unusual and frequent thigh bone fractures; unusual hair growth including mustaches, nose hair and wispy white beards; and holiday-themed rashes, somnolence and “gassiness.”
Before starting Festivex®, tell your medical doctor if you are nursing, are pregnant, are thinking about becoming pregnant, are thinking about getting someone else pregnant, are operating heavy machinery, have checked your list twice, are naughty or nice, are having problems swallowing or eating regularly, are planning to have dental surgery or teeth removed, have unusual piercings, have a neck or inner-lip tattoo, are from Cincinnati or suffer from road rage—even though that’s totally not a thing anymore.
Follow the dosing instructions for whenever-you-need-it Festivex® carefully. Or don’t. Whatever man, it’s your world.
Dosing Instructions
Festivex® should be taken orally with meals of at least 1500 calories and at least 3 hours before driving. Eggnog will enhance the effect of Festivex®.
If you plan on injecting yourself or others with the Festivex® Pen, be sure to inject it into the love handles or any other place that cellulite lives.
For more information or if you have questions about your treatment, talk to your medical doctor, a nurse practitioner, the lady at the blood bank, a pharmacist, your third-grade English teacher, the mall Santa or the hostess at the Olive Garden.
Copyright ©2011 lookcloser LLC. All Rights Reserved. Unless otherwise indicated, all trademarks are owned by closerlook laboratories LLC licensed for its use. If you have questions about Festivex®, call 312-640-3740.